HOW I’M OVERCOMING MY INSECURITIES

My Tribe & Daily Affirmations

I have always been a “bigger” girl. As a kid, it was called being “big boned”. As a baby I was so fat my rolls had rolls. Thank goodness my mom had me by c-section. Otherwise, I think I could have really hurt her! I always felt like a was just average. Not just in my physical appearance, but also intellectually. I never felt like a was a “smart person”. Sure, I had common sense, but I never felt like I was intellectually smart.  As a society, we put so much pressure on ourselves. We set unrealistic expectations. At times, these expectations can become overwhelming and detrimental to our wellbeing.  In this blog post, I want to share some examples of how I felt at certain times in my life, how I dealt with them and how I’m dealing with it now.

My 13^th Birthday

Oh, my goodness! I thought the world was coming to an end! My body was going through all these changes. I was barely an A cup bra size. I had acne, big feet, frizzy red hair and was so incredibly moody. I thought I knew everything and that my parents were clueless. I looked and felt awful! I was your typical awkward teenage girl!

So, there was this girl at my school who was kind of a mean girl. I wouldn’t go as far as saying she was a bully; she could just be mean. When she found out I was having a party and she wasn’t invited, she was livid! At the time, I couldn’t imagine why either. We never hung out together, we ran in different circles and weren’t really friends.

I’ll never forget the day she came up to me in the hallway at school. She let it be known that she was going to make sure my party was a total failure. She was going to make sure no one came; in fact, she was going to throw a party on the same day. It was going to be bigger and better. So much so, no one was going to show up to my birthday.

Standing there in that hallway, with my classmates and friends all around me, my world shattered because I believed her. How I kept it together, I’ll never know. I just stood there looking at her, in shock. Then the self-doubt came in. When I got home from school, I was such a tyrant to my sister and mom. I locked myself in my room, threw myself onto my bed and started to bawl like a baby. I was so sure that this girl was going to accomplish her mission in ruining my 13^th birthday party. I wasn’t as popular, as pretty, as smart as this girl was. My party and my life were ruined.

Of course, I was wrong. My friends came with presents, laughter, and cheer. Even the boy I had a crush on showed up. My party was a huge success, and I had a blast! I had wasted so much time and energy worrying about what this mean girl, and how she was going to ruin my big day. I got myself so worked up and stressed that I was an awful child to my parents. My nerves were so worn that I felt sick to my stomach, and I broke out with even more acne. Bottomline, I had allowed my mind to go negative. I had no faith in my friends, and I put all my energy into feeling sorry for myself. I allowed this person to invade my inner being. I had allowed her to consume my thoughts and take over my emotions. I allowed her to live “rent-free” in my head.

Looking back, I now realize that she was going through the exact same thing I was going through: Puberty! She was feeling the exact same way I was. All she wanted was to be liked and fit in. That’s all any of us want.  She just handled it differently. I’m glad to say, through the power of social media, I have been able to reconnect with this girl and she is amazing! She married her high school sweetheart, has beautiful children, and has become a foster parent. What a beautiful and special gift to give a child. I am so glad that she has found her way in life.

The Bridesmaid Dress.

I was 27 and all my friends were getting married. One of my very good friends asked me to be a bridesmaid, and of course, I accepted! I was so excited for her. She was one of the sweetest, funniest girls I had ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. The man she was marrying loved her so much, I just knew her wedding was going to be a very special, beautiful day.

Our bridesmaid dresses were long, elegant gowns. I was so excited. I just knew I was going to look awesome in the dress! It had an A-line silhouette and was a beautiful shade of emerald, green. It was going to go perfect against my alabaster skin and red hair.

There were five girls plus the bride, and we all went together to see the dress and get measured. One of the girls was pregnant so we knew she would have to order a dress bigger than her current size plus extra fabric, just in case. Six months goes by, and we were all enjoying the traditions of weddings and bridesmaid duties. Then the day finally came. Our dresses were in! We were all so excited to see them and finally try them on.

I had been watching what I ate and had been walking every night after dinner. I really wanted to look good in the dress, and I was feeling great! All the girls were trying on their dresses and of course looking fabulous. Even the pregnant girl looked amazing with her little bump! The bride was smiling ear to ear and getting so excited!

Then came my turn to try my dress on. My excitement and confidence left me faster than the speed of light. The dress would not zip up! It didn’t fit me! I couldn’t believe it! I thought for sure they had given me the wrong dress. I was absolutely mortified. Everyone was shocked. Had I just ruined my friend’s wedding?

The bride could see how upset I was getting, and she immediately went into action. She sent someone to get the manager. The manager came into our dressing room suite. When she saw me in the dress that wouldn’t zip up, and clearly did not fit me, she insisted that I had gained weight! I could feel the blood go from my head into my gut. I thought I was going to pass out from sheer embarrassment! As I began to take the dress off, I could not believe what was happening and I really did not expect what happened next!

The bride and my fellow bridesmaids all jumped to their feet. Each and every one of them surrounded me, even the pregnant girl. They were acting as a shield, protecting me from this barbaric woman! They all started speaking at once, telling this woman she was crazy, and how dare she say such a hateful thing. The dress shop had clearly given me the wrong dress. The manager insisted that she was correct and that I had indeed gained weight. She went to get my original order sheet to check my original measurements from six months prior.

I burst into tears. I felt so terrible. I felt like that awkward 13-year-old again. I doubted myself and felt so ugly and FAT! I started to believe the dress shop manager was right. There was no other explanation! I’d always been the big girl and always would. I was a fat cow who had just ruined my friend’s wedding.

The rest of the girls surrounded me with so much love and reassurance. The bride, whom we were supposed to be taking care of, was taking care of me! She sat next to me and held my hand. She handed me a tissue and insisted that I dry my eyes and not to worry about a thing. She said that I was beautiful, that I was perfect just the way I was, and everything was going to be okay, no matter what.

As I blew my snotty nose with the tissue and looked at these. amazing women through my red watery eyes, I had the warmest feeling come over me. In that moment, in that dressing room, sitting in my bra and panties, I knew I had found my tribe. I knew that these beautiful and amazing women had my back no matter what.

As for the manager and my original measurements…well…she had been right after all. My measurements had changed from the original ones. I had lost two inches in my bust and waist and three inches in my hips! This time it was the manager who had to eat crow. The store had ordered the wrong size dress for me! My girls all started whooping it up with cheers and love! It was amazing! I felt vindicated, accepted, and loved! I still had to pay for more fabric and alterations to make the dress fit me, but it was all worth it because I had found my tribe!

I’ve come to believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Over the years, my tribe has changed, but looking back, I’ve always had who I needed in those times of crisis. I just had to learn to trust those around me, and more importantly to trust in myself.  I find that where we fail, is in liking ourselves, and accepting who we are. Acknowledging that we are all beautiful. We are all special. We are all unique, and we are all worthy of love. We are enough. And if anyone disagrees, and tries to bring us down, so they can feel better…well then…HERE’S A ONE-WAY TICKET TO PUDOOKAVILLE and good riddance!

The bottom line is, I’m still learning to trust and believe in myself. I’m focused on surrounding myself with people who will love me and accept me for who I am, and not who they think or expect me to be. I am a curvy woman with spunk. My frizzy red hair is now a frizzy grayish blonde with only hints of fire. I’ve traded in my acne for wrinkles, and I think I’ve shrunk an inch or two.  Every day I affirm to myself:  I am beautiful. I am special. I am unique. I am worthy, and I am ENOUGH!

And most days…I believe it.