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Fear & Self-Doubt: My constant Battle with Me

Sorry I haven’t posted in a few weeks. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. I’ve found myself procrastinating more and more. I put off things like chores, and I haven’t wanted to go anywhere or do anything but lay around. I’ve been staying in bed longer in the morning instead of getting up and following my self-care morning routine. And the crazy thing is, I KNOW that I feel better when I do it! I have more energy. I feel calm. I sleep better. I feel more at peace. So why would I be sabotaging that? What is it, that is inside of us, that prevents us from moving in a new direction?

At first, I thought maybe it was because of the holiday season, but now I don’t think so. I think it’s because I’ve committed myself to take this journey of self-care. Crazy right! Initially, I was so excited about doing this. I felt so blessed to have been given the opportunity. I still feel blessed, but now I also feel fear and uncertainty.  I find myself beginning to doubt myself.

Logically, I know that taking this journey is going to change my life for the good, but there is something deep inside of me that is holding me back. It was keeping me from making my first video post for YouTube. It literally took me a month to get enough courage and inner strength to, not only record it, but to also post it. Why do we want to sabotage ourselves only to continue feeling bad? Since I couldn’t figure it out myself, I decided to do some research. Here is what I learned.

First, I wanted to make sure that I was in fact, self-sabotaging. So, I looked up symptoms or signs of self-sabotage. The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines sabotage as:

“The act of destroying or damaging something deliberately

so that it does not work correctly.” Or “an act or process tending to hamper or hurt”

10 Revealing Signs of Self Sabotaging Behavior, written by Steve Scotts, lists the following ten signs of Self-Sabotaging Behavior:

  1. Self-criticism
  2. Negativity
  3. Procrastination
  4. Disorganization
  5. Imposter Syndrome
  6. Overindulgence
  7. Initiating Conflicts
  8. Out of Focus
  9. Comparisons
  10. Questioning Your Purpose

I was so stunned after reading the article, I now realize that I have been Self-Sabotaging for years! I can honestly say I have exhibited all ten of these indicators both in my past and currently. This is so eye opening to me because, I knew I had these characteristics. All of them! I just thought that was normal! I was kind of freaking out with this self-realization! All these years, all this time wasted! I’ve really done some damage to myself that was so unnecessary!

I feel the need to take a moment of transparency here. I started this blog entry a few weeks ago. With the realization of all the years of damage I had induced upon myself, I became very emotional and overwhelmed.  It was like a movie was playing in my mind, and I was seeing moments in time from the past. Moments when I was exhibiting these behaviors.

It’s difficult to put into words the feelings I was experiencing while this realization was happening. It was like I had just woken up from a very long and deep sleep.  I could vividly see moments from my past when I was self-sabotaging. At first, I was so mad at myself. I thought about all that time lost. I wondered what the outcomes might have been had I handled those moments differently. Where would I be in life?

Then I realized something else. I was doing it again! I was starting to self-sabotage. So…I made the decision to stop. I stopped writing. I stopped posting. I stopped everything and just took some time to rest and meditate. Now, I know some of you are probably thinking, well isn’t that a form of self-sabotage? At first, I thought maybe it was, but then I changed my mind. And here’s why.

I purposely chose to stop and disengage. I needed to take some time and allow myself to heal. I needed to take some time to forgive myself! I journaled. I meditated. I took time to reflect on the last year. I took part in an amazing online workshop by one of my new Costa Rica friends, and it was AMAZEBALLS! The timing of it was serendipity. I truly believe in Karma and Fate. I feel in the depths of my soul, all of this happened at this time in my life for a reason. Now, I have so much gratitude.

I can’t change my past behavior, but I can forgive myself. I can’t dwell on the past, but I can appreciate the awareness of those actions. I can’t go back in time and stop the sabotage, but I can be aware of it moving forward and utilize tools I have learned to prevent it from happening in the future.

So, with this new year upon us, I am so excited to see where this journey takes me, and I’m so grateful you are coming along with me!  Life is full of possibilities, I can’t wait!

Happy New Year Ya’ll!

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